magicbeans. nothing if not awkward.

Date: wednesday, 3.23pm
From: george
To: bean
Subject: thorazine

had a crappy day and wearing an orange shirt didn't help.

i saved 100% on my car insurance by not paying it at all. fuck geico... discount bastards.

i was happy till i remembered how miserable i actually was. then i felt worse when i couldn't think of why my life seemingly sucks. none of it is sooo bad that i should be in a mood. lately, moods are like tax codes. if i could sit down for a couple of hours and figure them out and get them to work for me, but i am tired of the 12 step self help routine. can it hurt just to be genuinely happy for a change? i could deal with being one of those manic people... least they're happy, sometimes.

where the hell is spring?

it annoys me to tie my shoes.

g.-

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Date: wednesday, 3.45pm
From: bean
To: george
Subject: Re: thorazine

i'm right there with you. my new job is so fucking cool. but after the adrenaline of the first week wore off i've been lethargic and tired and depressed and empty. i mean, what gives? and i can't blame this all on stef. i can't say that she's the missing puzzle piece that makes my whole life okay. for that to be true i would already have to be broken. and if i were already broken then that wouldn't be true. but, of course if that's not true, i must be broken anyway. stupid fucking broken.

-b

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Date: wednesday, 4.02pm
From: george
To: bean
Subject: Re: thorazine

at least you could blame it on something if you were feeling a little escapist. yeah, it sucks, but... well... it just sucks. i can't even think of anything to feel good about. i should go join the foreign legion or something... it's better than putting rat poison in my pez dispenser... which would be a step up from those pez candies. i thought about going up and standing on the green on a different corner from all those anti-war retirees with a sign saying "you just wasted 3/4 of a second of your life reading this stupid pointless sign" or a sign that says, "protesting nothing." or merely a blank piece of poster board and scream mindless nonsense at passing motorists accompanied with outlandish gesticulations.

it would be no fun to do alone. bleah.

g.-

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Date: wednesday, 4.54pm
From: bean
To: george
Subject: Re: thorazine

i can't even really do the escapist thing all that well. except maybe tv. and even that bores me for the most part. i got drunk last thursday and saturday nights. and i guess i had fun, but that was the only second and third time since new year's. since austin. and i never even got that drunk in austin because most of the time i was the one driving home. i couldn't do it every night though. i don't understand how people do. i know that you're the same way. does that make us strong in resisting unhealthy habits? or especially masochistic? or just too fucked up to even do addiction right?

re, doing it alone: that really gets at the heart of the problem, i suppose.

-b