magicbeans. nothing if not awkward.

subway stories:

today, delivering a package, i ended up on a train that didn't stop where i was expecting it to and ended up in brooklyn. this wasn't so much a matter of being immersed in my book as it was of the online subway map not being entirely accurate. as for the book i was reading, i've taken a short break from the man without qualities to read a much more quickly paced book, blackbox. as for my own writing, my screenplay that i haven't started, i'm down to about a week. i suck.

yesterday i passed a man in the tunnel between the 6th street L and the 7th street 1/2/3/9 who was selling his art. as i reached the end of the tunnel, i decided to go back. he draws trains and cityscapes, ufos, in crayon and magic marker. mounts them to cardboard with a glue stick. i looked at the pieces he had for sale. chatted with him a bit. and ended up buying one. 'maybe you'll become one of my collectors,' he said.

the day before yesterday i spent a little longer than usual at the bagel shop, writing that letter. when i left, i waited longer than usual for an L train. and as i waited, the platform filled up, and i decided to wait for the next train. usually when one is running late, the next comes quickly at its heels. and it did. the second train was almost as crowded, but i would have been late if i didn't get on it. so i squeeze my way into the crowd, and up to a pole that i can hold onto, and find myself face to face with yuli. for those counting, that's three risd transfer kids and one architecture kid that i didn't know where in the city who i've run into randomly. of course i wasn't really sure it was her, or her me, until she had gotten off a stop before mine, and looked back into the train at her boyfriend, and then was gone.

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i wrote this after lunch:

basically i'm just way too introspective. and mostly not in a constructive, constantly striving to improve myself sort of way. i'm broken record introspective. i'm hyper-acutely aware of the sense of loss in all its forms introspective. i'm treading water, never quite drowning, but barely managing to keep my head above the waves of my own feelings of inadequacy introspective.

i miss you stephany tousignant. i fucking miss you. and i know i'm not perfect. and i know i'm not necessarily even all that mentally healthy. but my life was better with you in it. i was happy. and if that makes me codependent than so be it. i was happy with you. and you were happy with me. and i prefer being happy to being miserable. i feel empty without you. i miss you. i miss your body and your smile and your voice. and meeting you after work. and sitting at the bar. and sitting on the couch. and eating. and sleeping. and showering with the knowledge that you are in the next room. i miss seeing your clothes on the floor. and on you. i miss your hair, whether it's blond or brown or red or black. i miss driving around with you. listening to music with you. drinking coffee with you.

my life was better with you in it. that's really all there is to it. 2003 was the best year of my life because i spent it with you. and 2004 was going to be the best year of my life because i was going to spend it with you. and 2005 was going to be the best year of my life because i was going to spend it with you. and i hate you for not seeing that. and still, i love you.

i told sam on aim last night that it's been two months and i'm still in shock. obviously.

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since i've already made one chronological list, i think it's about that for another installment of 'today in magicbeans's history'..

five years ago i bought and read dylan horrock's hicksville for the first time. it's a large part of why 'comics' still appears in my top five artistic interests list. (architecture, poetry, music, comics, film.) that night i went and saw a pinter play. i was living in austin. part of me was still hung up on allison, five years after the fact. part of me was holding onto something long distance with er!n. part of me was flirting with something new with q.

four years ago i was stuck in the snow in connecticut during wintersession break. i spent the afternoon installing cryptography software on whichever li.com server we were using at the time. i think by this point i may have given up on the crush that i had on jen.c.

three years ago i dreamt about teachers, trains, and museums. i think i was in providence. living at 438. it was still a week before stef and i would fatefully end up sitting next to each other in anne tate's architecture studio.

two years ago it had been almost two weeks since i had heard anything from stef. i was just starting to open up and be honest with lindsey about the feelings i was having for her. late in the evening stef called, and made promises towards trying to work things out. that was two years ago today. things had gotten bad, and we were going to try and work through them. realizing the cyclical nature of things, there's certainly a part of me, the hopelessly romantic part of me, wishing that something in her clicks in the same way today that it did two years ago. also two years ago, later that night, after stef's promises, lindsey and i kissed for the first time. it remains one of the best kisses i've had.

one year ago stef and i were in chicago. it was our first long trip together, and despite having been stuck in a blizzard in pennsylvania for two days, we were having a really good time, and didn't fight at all. things were finally coming together for us.

as a bit of an epilogue, although i wasn't keeping a web journal yet, six years ago i was corresponding regularly by email with a number of people, some of whom i've sort of lost touch with. one of the emails i received on this day was from judie. she talked, among other things, about the engagement ring that her boyfriend had bought her. she's a few months younger than i am, and that was six years ago.