magicbeans. nothing if not awkward.

there were a lot of freelancers in the office at work today, and consequently, no computers for me to work on. so i was stuck with organizing. the model room. the sample room. the physical archives.

i had to pack up the office of a staff member who has left the company and came across a copy of the exhibition catalog for a show that was at moma three years ago, a show that was partly what inspired anne tate to offer the studio in which stef and i sat next to each other for three months. i flipped through it and found myself back there. the slowly dawning feeling that maybe we would make a good couple. [stupid, stupid girl. what have you let go of?]

at the end of the day i had a meeting with erik.l, who i've mentioned, and erik.u, one of the partners at pdg, to look through my portfolio. 'so what is it that you really want to do?' erik.u asked me, 'it's obvious from your portfolio that your interests are all over the place.' beatrice had asked me the same question recently. i think they want to start grooming me as a resource for a specific sort of task. 'do you know any 3d modeling software? form-z?'

'i haven't used form-z, but i've used rhino, which is pretty much the same thing from what i've heard. and the modeling tools in vectorworks.'

'well, here at pdg if you carve out a niche for yourself it's yours. if you find a skill that we need, and prove that you are good at it, you get first dibs on those sorts of projects. and right now what we need is someone to do form-z work.'

---

i wrestled the mattress up onto my lofted bed frame tonight.

watched the west wing and a bunch of episodes of queer as folk which marie has on dvd.

at one or two or sometime later i went out into the stairwell and smoked a cigarette. i was almost crying. came back, felt sick, stayed up for another hour before crashing exhausted on the air mattress, still not sleeping in my own bed.