magicbeans. nothing if not awkward.

at work, on a yellow pad:

there was a line in queer as folk, spoken by melanie, half of the token lesbian couple who broke up for part of season one: 'i miss you every minute of every day. if it was possible to miss you more than that, i would.'

i checked my phone mid-way through the workday to see if i had missed any incoming calls. looking at the face of my phone i flashed back to her on the other end, calling from work. 'do you want to go get a drink?' or, 'just calling to tell you i'm going to be late, i switched shifts. i love you.'

it's not so much insomnia as the inability to sleep. which i guess is the definition of insomnia. it's just that i don't try to fool myself into thinking that i might actually be able to fall asleep. i got about three hours last night.

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Act 3, Scene Three

BEAN (voice over)

Just forget about all the rest of it for a moment. What the fuck do you mean, 'unemployed?'

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i got an email tonight. 'You have received a Friendster message from Stef...' i logged into friendster. my heart was racing. it was one line. 'update the info in yr profile.' i never had. 'In a Relationship' in 'Austin, TX' was where my heart (and most of the rest of my stuff) was, even if physically i wasn't.

i checked her profile. she had changed her primary photo in january (from one i had taken of her in providence, to one that i had taken of her in austin) but otherwise hadn't updated her profile either. there was one notable change, her job description is now 'Unemployed'. and one bit that was notable for having not been changed, 'In a Relationship'.

and i kind of lost it. furiously smoked my last cigarette on the way to a quick-e-mart to buy another pack. and up to the roof of my building. pacing. hyperventilating. trying to call everyone i know in new york because i didn't want to be alone.

the only person who answered their phone was chris. and he was at work. i knocked on andrea and ashley's door. no answer. back down to my apartment, and wrote a note to leave for them. 'this may seem weird, but give me a call if you get in soon..' blah, blah. back up to tape it to their door, knocked again, and they answered.

i hung out with them until they went to bed. i may have watched a couple more episodes of queer as folk, but i'm not sure. the whole thing is pretty fuzzy. cried myself to sleep.