magicbeans. nothing if not awkward.

no bagel again. no coffee again.

stef called me back this afternoon. she is seeing someone new. she got fired from her job because she went to houston for four days for a funeral and no one would pick up her shifts. she put me on speaker phone and flora came meowing to my voice.

it was nice to hear her voice, even under the circumstances. i'm glad she's taking care of flora. she's jealous of my job. i'm jealous of her girlfriend. 'i still miss you,' i told her. 'i don't know what it is about you that lets you be the world's biggest bitch to people and still have them hopelessly in love with you.'

i hung up and cried. took the elevator downstairs and smoked at work for the first time. when i came back to my computer there was email: 'You have received a Friendster message from Sonali...'

can we please, please, please move to italy together and teach english or something and be happy and far away from everyone and everything else we know? i'm having a belle et sebastian day aka "get me away i'm dying"

i'll see you tomorrow.

sonali

i'm serious about this, you know.

sonali is so cool.

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a week ago i was poking through some old poetry. eleven years ago today, i wrote the following:

a

before all else - like venus which appears brightest in the sky (& first) the dreams i have night after night after night and a fake rose i would give you a flower but i don't know my own way out any more it's darkness that seems most present at night and warmth is a fable - though coming soon - keep your eyes open and the full moon is being swallowed once again your lips close and no sound will penetrate them they are barriers like the locks that hold our hearts at a distance and they sky who knows when to cry (and can)

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this evening i feel as if i've been kicked in the ribs. literally.