magicbeans. nothing if not awkward.

i ping-ping back and forth between hating her and missing her and feeling as if the whole thing never really happened. that i'm in the same place i was five years ago, starting out at risd, in a new place. or three years ago, two years at risd, but still socially awkward, alone and lonely.

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chris and i ate ethiopian food for dinner. i've been thinking about how contingent and random it is that certain people end up playing big parts in your life. i was sort of the third wheel afterthought to chris and garth's decision to get an apartment junior year. then i left for rome, they graduated, chris moved to chicago. i moved to texas. garth moved to chicago. chris moved to new york. and when i first thought about moving here chris told me that he had thought that i was someone who had pretty much faded from his life. we'd exchange a few calls or emails a year. maybe he'd come to my wedding. and now i'm here, and he's definitely my best friend in the city. which really, i'm very grateful for.

when i left work tonight i wanted to drink martinis until i passed out. full of dinner, i wasn't so sure anymore. i took the train back out to brooklyn.

a few hours later i called chris again. 'if i don't leave the house now, i'm here for the night.' he was still in manhattan. we discussed bars. decided on raven, where bret and i had a couple of drinks before i got my tattoo. it looks sort of like a goth bar, but is mainstream enough to attract a generalized east village clientele.

and drunk on beer, made my way home again.