magicbeans. nothing if not awkward.

I stayed up last night and finished watching Fight Club. I think it's the third time I've seen it. This time it left me feeling completely empty and alone.

I hate being alone. It's my biggest fear. And I suppose that I really should try to confront it somehow. Take some steps towards getting over it. But I treat it pretty much the same way that I treat everything else. I do my best to ignore it and wait for it to get better on its own.

I mean, isn't it telling how things finally turned around with PDG at the exact moment that I was starting to wonder just how I was going to be able to afford to eat? The change that I can scrounge off the floor of my room will only buy so many cups of coffee.

I've said it before, but I'll say it again: It's as if the universe just won't let me hit rock bottom. Somehow, I live this amazingly charmed life. Everything always works out.

And yet. I'm constantly dissatisfied. I find myself alone, which in the grand scheme is the one thing that hasn't really worked itself out, and I can't stand it. I hate it. And that must mean that deep down I hate myself. And really, what better reason is there for being alone. No one wants to be with someone who hates themself.

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Among other things I dreamt of sitting on a couch and nervously holding hands with Stef. Upon waking I struggled to hold onto the feeling of her fingers entwined with my own.

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A few drinks after work tonight. Not that I can exactly afford that sort of thing yet. But it felt good to go out with those people again.