magicbeans. nothing if not awkward.

Fairly often after work I have the urge to smoke a cigarette. I'll leave the building and be walking behind someone who's smoking and start compulsively gripping and ungripping my fingers as a means of distraction. By the time I've gotten home, after a 30+ minute subway ride, the desire has usually subsided. Even if it hasn't completely, I can rationalize it away.

Tonight after work though, it was up near 70 degrees and I decided to walk up to 59th, get food, and then take the train from there. At a newsstand in Time Square I broke down and bought a pack of cigarettes. It's been nearly a year since I bought a pack. Months since I've even taken a drag off of someone else's smoke.

I only smoked one. And felt lousy afterwards.

I couldn't help it though. I've been so fed up the last few weeks over the with the way I've been treated at work. As if I'm some sort of second-class citizen. It doesn't matter if I only have a shitty computer to work on, I'm just freelance. It doesn't matter if I sit around all week for ten billable hours, I'm just freelance. And even all of that wouldn't be so bad if it was universally applied. But some freelancers seem to be special. Some freelancers get preferential treatment.

Plus, there's the social dynamic of the office. I'm constantly outside of the group there too.

Emotionally, the cigarette actually calmed me a bit. Either that, or it was the grocery shopping. And I felt better once I got home.