magicbeans. nothing if not awkward.

so i didn't leave yesterday. and it doesn't look like today will be the day either. prolly early tomorrow morning. the packing is coming along slowly. although i did get the new servers working yesterday. so that's one major worry taken care of.

last night i reheated some left-overs in the microwave, and burnt my hand with a gust of steam trying to take them out. and really badly. i was in so much pain that i had to take some leftover tylenol with codeine so i cold get some sleep. the last time i got a serious burn, i had to do the same thing. i don't really see why people aren't given the option to manage their pain with drugs like that. granted there will be people who misuse it, but nowhere near the number of people who misuse alcohol. whatever.

amongst my fitful sleep i had a number of wacky dreams, but i don't remember any specifics.

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i got email from er!n this morning responding specifically to my journal entry of the other day so i figured i'd respond here. there wasn't a whole lot of punctuation in er!n's email, so the line breaks might be a bit confusing. and i'll prolly switch back and forth between second and third person in my response.

true it doesn't always seem as though your heart is pulling you to texas i think you know where it is you kinda say it all the time but for some reason you just don't seem to act upon it but still a trip to texas may not be wasted time it will be an experience possibly better than what you're expecting possibly not but either way a trip that could potentially be a lot of fun if nothing else a long drive to give you time to listen to yourself

your conclusions about me wanting you to be happy were right i certainly didn't mean to keep us apart but i refuse to hold on too tightly sometimes i just refuse to hold on

and she had also said, about two months ago (spaces added for readability): so.. try not to think about going to texas as leaving here, more specifically as leaving me. if it's where you want to be maybe you should try thinking of it as arriving at a destination. if you were to stay for reasons other than what was in your own heart or more safely your own logic..

(as an aside, when i got that email two months ago, there was something in it that really touched me. and when i reached the end of it, there were tears welling up in my eyes, and i had to reach out and touch er!n's name on the screen, and whispered "i love you".) my heart is telling me to stay. the last couple of days, just by postponing leaving for a brief while, have been much less stressful than the few before that. but no, i'm not listening. i still feel like i have to make this move. (although i've been referring to it as more of a trial, or an extended vacation lately, and really that's prolly not terribly healthy in the long run, but i'm just living as it comes right now.) when i look at the whole picture, i see that my feelings for you may be clouding some of the reasons i am making this move. and that's a reason to at least give it a try. i think it could be fun, whatever the outcome.

as far as holding on, sometimes i think it can be good. holding on too tightly always ends badly. that's why it's too tight. but, holding on some, in a less physical (or at least spatial) way, over distance, is okay. i have a feeling that words are slightly inadequate to express that thought.

i wondered on the way home if she asked me to stay, if i would. i wouldn't, but that's because i know she wouldn't ask that.

sometimes i wonder if you're waiting for me to ask that i wonder if that's what you want me to say is it? but you're right i wouldn't say that only because i care

no. i don't want you to ask me to stay. at this point there's very little that could keep from leaving. of course i'm still pretty wishy-washy about how long i'll be in texas. i might like to hear, that in yr heart, you don't want me to leave.

i think the key is (and i've gathered this through observations only) that you have to start living your life first and then maybe everything will fall into place but if you wait hoping that things will fall into place before you allow your life to begin then when you miss out you miss out on two things your life with this other person and your life in general

i feel like i've done a lot of waiting for things to fall into place. sometimes i'm impressed that i've gotten as far as i have with the small amount of effort i've put in to my life. and i know that i have to just jump into my life, and i guess, in a way, this move is part of that. my move to california was a part of that, and it didn't end up being all that big an event in my life, but maybe it served as a preliminary step.

i'm not so sure i believe in the whole loose sight of yourself love i think that i would be scared to loose sight of myself and given my tendency to push people away i prolly wouldn't let those feelings go too far anyway whatever i believe about love tends to lean more towards the in love but not at peace dar song kind of love sometimes i think that's sad and other times it's realness makes it even sweeter it may just be that it feels more honest or at least has been shaped by my experiences

that loose sight of yrself love is one of the most intense things that you can feel, but it's not healthy. i have thought that the type of love in that dar song is much more constructive in the long run. and it is sad, but it is also more fulfilling, i think. whereas to loose yrself in love is simply overwhelming.

i had the same feeling when i stopped at bret's apartment sunday night that i had when i first started to search for your e-mail address, when i would stare blankly at the phone number that i had jotted on the back cover of the book that you had given me and then pick up the phone as if i was going to dial it but instead just hang it back up again, i knew then that you weren't someone that i wanted to say goodbye to and still i feel that way, at first i meant as friends (which is something i always work on first) and now i'm not so sure but always as much as friends

you're heart seemed really into that book then it's kind-of ironic that it all started that way

(and as another aside, that it originally started with a dar t-shirt.) i'm not entirely sure where my enthusiasm for the fmf and see went. maybe it's just waning. although since a morning about four months ago, i have felt a pull towards dreams that are more modest in scale. and i would be honoured to have you continue to play a part in my life wherever those dreams, large or small, lead me.