magicbeans. nothing if not awkward.

slept until noon. which considering i didn't go out last night was a good spot of sleep. the last dream i had this morning, the only one i can recall now, involved shopping for a new pair of glasses. the downstairs of the shop i was looking in was sort of a cross between a thrift store and a novelty shop. the upstairs had eye glasses and cds.

cut my hair this morning. no one noticed today. but it really doesn't look very different. it feels different though. i shaved underneath the back and sides. it makes my head feel considerably colder. i was a little surprised to see that there was still a pinkish tint in the back.

didn't leave my room until about 230. it was cold outside. and i wasn't really looking forward to the met. and figured that by this point there'd be no one there anyway. and so i was procrastinating. and when i got to the met i did my usual thing, wandering around, noting all the nothing that i can eat, until i resign myself to something i don't really want. and while i was staring blankly at the salad bar jen popped up beside me and said hello and to come sit with her.

and so we sat together and talked for a while. which was nice. we've spent very little time alone together, ever. eventually garth and then chris showed up. and i left to go catch a matinee at the avon.

dogma, which i had been meaning to see. i thought the concept was pretty good. but the acting was terrible. basically across the board. although i liked alanis, despite what anyone else says. it was worth a couple hours of my day. caused a little bit of thought.

message on my machine from sonali. spent some time reading old journal entries. then dinner. message on my machine from er!n. then more journal entries.

at ten dropped by jen's on the way to see dead man walking in the auditorium. she was working on a drawing, and so i hung out for a while. she said that she might be starting to like this boy matthew. and what did i think. and i said that i had no real opinion. or, at least none out loud. i really don't try to be difficult. it's just i have a hard time saying things sometimes. like: he seems like a nice guy, but really that just makes me terribly jealous.

scribbled down some words instead:

maybe it was yr voice
on my answering machine,
but i feel echoes
of the last time we were together.
it's not the same
of course-
new england winter vs. midwest summer
-but the question in the air
and the fear of saying things out loud
for the inability to ever take them back.
and other times:
"i am not trying to be difficult" i said.
but i am.
and it is.

let jen read it before the movie. to confuse you further, i said. and without some background it really doesn't make much sense.

there were a whole bunch of people we knew at the movie. and so everyone kinda walked back towards home together, splintering off to their various abodes.

i got to my room and started pacing. i really felt like i needed to talk to someone. i thought about walking back over to dunnel and knocking on jen's door. i thought about calling alex.h and asking for jen's number. i thought about going over to alex.h's and trying to talk with him. i looked for alex.s online. i thought about calling sonali. or er!n. or looking for nikki online.

eventually called sonali. and we talked. which was good. advice, and catching up. and another person's voice. especially hers, 'cause we hadn't talked in a long time, and i love her tons. and then at two we said goodbye. she's got class at 930, although it's still an hour earlier in lincoln. i've got class at nine.

but i'm still up, 45 minutes later. partly to type this up. partly out of still feeling a need to talk. but i should go to bed. there's performing to be done tomorrow.