magicbeans. nothing if not awkward.

i think yuka might be catching on about this whole jen thing. last night at the movie when i handed jen the little scrap of paper to read, she handed it on to yuka, to whom it likely made even less sense, as she missed the beginning of the conversation. this morning, after an incredibly difficult bit of waking up, i went to the library to pick up some scrap paper for my performance piece, and printed out the context for last night's confusing bit of text.

having not seen jen all day, i let yuka read it before my library shift (she was working at the circulation desk). she said "i hate reading things when the person who wrote them is right there."

i said "well, it's kind of personal, but it was written nearly a year ago and you don't know the people involved."

"do i have to comment on it?"

"nope." i said. and then she asked to read the confusing bit from yesterday again. and maybe her sly little smile was about not having to comment on my poetry, except to say that my "a"s are hard to figure out. but i read her as being pretty perceptive.

of course i feel like i'm dropping the largest hints in the world. but, as er!n implied on the phone tonight, it may be the most obvious thing in the world to me, but i've got a real problem with being blunt.

yes, i talked with er!n for a couple of hours tonight. sonali for a couple last night. aren't i s'posed to be afraid of phones? and what's the deal with calling ex-girlfriends? i guess there's some logic to that. it being relationship issues that have lead me to feel the need to talk. and also there's just the fact that i don't think i have alex.s's current phone number. george and bret work nights. and sonali and er!n both did call and leave messages yesterday.

the telephone figured in my performance piece today as well. i finally did my journey piece. ringing telephone. scraps of paper. emphasizing and metaphorically acting out my compulsive habits. the class labeled me compulsive, paranoid, and weird. at least from my performances. i don't really have a problem with that.

a girl in class did a piece about her practice of cutting herself, as sort of a therapeutic way of dealing with life. it was a little disturbing, but it really made me think quite a lot. especially about my own masochistic tendencies.

went to the first of three weekly bingo nights tonight. bingo risd style. rather entertaining, actually. won myself a 12 piece puzzle of moses parting the red sea.

and then the phone call to er!n. email to nikki, who was a little upset that i didn't follow through with finding her online last night. but i've come to realize that i'm almost as afraid of real-time talking online as i am of phones. the same trepidation. the same sense of building panic.

which reminds me of just how fucked up it seems all my friends are right now. lou's recent journal entries have been talking about panic attacks. hiding in dark phone booths. george's entry for today was simply "what have i become?" his first update in three weeks. er!n's been depressed, not that she's not happy, but real depression is not the opposite of happy, and it's been building for months. alex.s is having work problems and looking for revenge against his company's facility department, whatever that is. sonali was talking about anti-depressants and possession by demons. for nikki it's ghosts, and serious problems with her mom. there's something very strange in the air.