magicbeans. nothing if not awkward.

after dinner, chris and i went up to aurora's birthday party. she was one of the transfer students who i didn't really know over the summer. chris was told to "bring more men" and although he figured neither of us really count towards that end, he'd ask if i'd go. and it was pretty low-key, mostly transfer students, a lot of the ones i don't see all that much of.

i left at nine for another commitment. susie, one of the new graphic designers and frequent music columnist for mixed media was playing her first public "show", even though it was in her apartment, and basically only attended by her friends. she had mentioned it at the meeting last week, and i was thinking about going, and then last night randi convinced me.

and it was really cool. i talked with one of susie's friends from home, laura, at the beginning. and then the music was great. makes me incredibly jealous. and then we hung out and played party sorts of games. and most of the stuff on the cd player was stuff that i own. and there wasn't any drinking, which i don't know if it's typical of their parties, but i wasn't drinking tonight anyway, and it was fun to be around a whole bunch of other people who weren't either.

the only bad thing was that it all ended pretty early. 145ish. and i would have been happy to stay, but everyone else was leaving, and there's this awkward point where you feel like you prolly should too. but i told susie on the way out that i had a really good time. and she said that she was happy that i came. and i really feel that i'd like to spend more time with this group of people. i'm not entirely sure how to accomplish that, but.

and so afterwards i had all this manic energy (i tend to get hyper at both ends of the emotional spectrum, it's odd) and didn't know what to do with it. i noticed alex.s was online, but couldn't get a response from him. so i decided to drop in on maureen etc's party, which i knew i wouldn't have enjoyed as much as susie's, but figured i should say hi at least.

ran into chris and aurora and someone bundled up (jenna maybe?) coming the other way. they said that things were winding down. saw a bunch of people that i knew. said hi. jen was there. (i had seen her at brunch, and in the library, and at aurora's, for quite a bit of the day, actually, but this was after feeling really good.) she left with matthew, ying, and amie soon after i showed up. and then, as everyone was going, i left as well. felt my emotional pendulum kinda swinging back away from the high of earlier as i was walking home. overtook that group towards the risd campus. said hello and goodnight.

it seemed matthew and jen had more talking to do. i don't know what the status of them is. i feel almost like i don't want to know. i was having thoughts on the way home about not caring. in sort of a very uncharacteristic malevolent way. kinda like what's better, jealousy or spite? as if they're not all stupid.

and still having all this energy upon arriving home, i decided to go out and play guitar in the cold. i sat in the snow and played until my hands and my ass couldn't take it any more. it was nice to just sit outside and lose myself in my attempt at music. it was too bad it was so cold.