magicbeans. nothing if not awkward.

so last night was, in a way, our third "date". (we never really dated as such, but did cover a lot of the early date ground by sitting next to each other in studio for a semester.) stereotypically there's a lot of baggage associated with the third date. and i like to say that cultural norms like that have no actual basis on reality, that every individual relationship will evolve on its own terms. but sometimes things do fit in a preset pattern, even if only loosely.

the real catch to all this is that i sort of feel like i had to trick myself into it. i don't know if this says anything specifically about my relationship with stef or only more generally about my own issues with sex.

i've talked about this before. it's not about sex for me. i don't even really like sex. it's messy, and not all that fulfilling. i wish that sex wasn't even an issue a lot of the time, but it is the scientific basis for this whole quest for romantic companionship, the biological desire to spread yr own genes.

it's hopelessly farcical in a way. i have no real desire to have kids ever. certainly not any time soon. but i've been grounded in this feeling of constantly searching for love for as long as i can remember. sometimes i think it's all some sort of trick, a wrong move in the game. but other times i still get flashes of a faerie tale future, the sort of faerie tale i still believe in, maybe mundane and domestic on the surface, but always with an undercurrent of magic, and i can't imagine any other possible future.

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stef and i sat out on the grass in the brown quad this evening. it was nice, but recalling it now, there was nothing magical. maybe if there had been fireflies, or a blazing sunset. maybe the magic has to come from us.