Untitled.
15 September 1998
![[ ]](http://mbpix.mushroom.net/19980915y.png)
i've had this blunt headache all day. it's as if my skull is full of slowly hardening concrete. i thought it was 'cause i needed to eat, but i had lunch and it didn't really help. i have been particularly congested recently, but this is more in the back of my head than in my sinuses. bleh.
we finalized the incorporation of see on sunday. it looks like george (who is now secretary/treasurer) and i (now the vice-president, i've got almost as many titles as computers) will both be moving down towards the middle of october. gale and sam (fmf sam, not my brother sam) will then come down for a weekend, and we'll figure out the initial housing situation. my dad doesn't think that i'll be able to live in a mobile home for even a couple of months, but we'll see. really, i don't want to live in one that long, but i don't see a whole lot of other options. he did point out that he knows some people in the austin area who have built straw-bale houses.
so i didn't manage to wish sonali a happy birthday on her birthday. i had it in my mind to do and it was a couple of weeks off and then it was a couple of days off and then it was tomorrow and then it was yesterday. oops. so a happy slightly late birthday to sonali.
it's raining. so you'll have to excuse me as i go outside.
so last friday i was feeling really lonely. saturday too, i think. i didn't write about it then, but i'm feeling bits of it again now. it's the kind of lonely where you can't do anything 'cept curl up and wrap yr arms around yr knees and kinda rock back and forth. a lonely in the pit of yr stomach kinda lonely. it's not the same as being depressed, or even unhappy, just lonely.
i got email from sonali today, and she was talking about "a boy [she's] strangely attracted to" and since i'm trying to be as honest as possible about my feelings online, it made me kinda jealous. even if she did say that he reminded her of me. but, i'm not completely sure what it is i'm jealous of exactly.
part of it is the typical worries that if she ever falls in love (and really that's almost kinda inevitable) then her feelings for me will change, and that's basically silly. i've talked with her about stuff like that before. and part of it is just the way that you feel about an ex (even tho we were never really much of a couple), you want them to be happy, but you just don't really want to see them with anyone else. that might be related to the whole inferiority thing.
and part of it is just that i'm lonely, and it's just not fair that my friends aren't. which is really silly. and i don't feel that way about john moving to california with his girlfriend, which brings me back to the whole what is it exactly that i'm jealous of? but i think that i would probably feel that way about alex. so who knows, really.
basically it's just all this emotional baggage that really doesn't do me a whole lot of good. although maybe i'm storing it away somewhere for use in something creative some day. which would make it at least partly worth-while.
we finalized the incorporation of see on sunday. it looks like george (who is now secretary/treasurer) and i (now the vice-president, i've got almost as many titles as computers) will both be moving down towards the middle of october. gale and sam (fmf sam, not my brother sam) will then come down for a weekend, and we'll figure out the initial housing situation. my dad doesn't think that i'll be able to live in a mobile home for even a couple of months, but we'll see. really, i don't want to live in one that long, but i don't see a whole lot of other options. he did point out that he knows some people in the austin area who have built straw-bale houses.
so i didn't manage to wish sonali a happy birthday on her birthday. i had it in my mind to do and it was a couple of weeks off and then it was a couple of days off and then it was tomorrow and then it was yesterday. oops. so a happy slightly late birthday to sonali.
it's raining. so you'll have to excuse me as i go outside.
so last friday i was feeling really lonely. saturday too, i think. i didn't write about it then, but i'm feeling bits of it again now. it's the kind of lonely where you can't do anything 'cept curl up and wrap yr arms around yr knees and kinda rock back and forth. a lonely in the pit of yr stomach kinda lonely. it's not the same as being depressed, or even unhappy, just lonely.
i got email from sonali today, and she was talking about "a boy [she's] strangely attracted to" and since i'm trying to be as honest as possible about my feelings online, it made me kinda jealous. even if she did say that he reminded her of me. but, i'm not completely sure what it is i'm jealous of exactly.
part of it is the typical worries that if she ever falls in love (and really that's almost kinda inevitable) then her feelings for me will change, and that's basically silly. i've talked with her about stuff like that before. and part of it is just the way that you feel about an ex (even tho we were never really much of a couple), you want them to be happy, but you just don't really want to see them with anyone else. that might be related to the whole inferiority thing.
and part of it is just that i'm lonely, and it's just not fair that my friends aren't. which is really silly. and i don't feel that way about john moving to california with his girlfriend, which brings me back to the whole what is it exactly that i'm jealous of? but i think that i would probably feel that way about alex. so who knows, really.
basically it's just all this emotional baggage that really doesn't do me a whole lot of good. although maybe i'm storing it away somewhere for use in something creative some day. which would make it at least partly worth-while.