Untitled.
23 December 1998
![[ ]](http://mbpix.mushroom.net/19981223y.png)
i came to a possible realization this morning. well, a real realization, but only possibly true. i realized that i feel considerably less motivated when i don't feel as if i'm part of a team. which is not to say that i necessarily like working with other people on specific projects, but that an environment of motivation helps. that maybe community is what would truly motivate me. now, this isn't a terribly profound thought. and it's not even the first time that i've thought it, but usually it's in the context of an artistic community, and it occurred to me this morning in the context of work. the other day, when i mentioned enjoying work during our big catastrophe a few months back, i alluded to the fact that it might have been the stress of the situation, or at least the overcoming of great odds, but i think it was more likely that everyone pitched in and worked to get things back up and running. feeling disconnected from li, and especially from the people who work there, as i do now (and it's not just the physical distance, there's other things at play), i also feel fairly unmotivated. the stress (and there's plenty of it right now) certainly isn't performing that task.
all sounds reasonable, why did i preface it with a conditional? because i don't really know what motivates me. i haven't found anything that universally works. feeling a "need" to accomplish something for school or work often gets it done half-heartedly at the last minute (or later), but that's not true motivation. even enjoying the act of doing it (writing, creating, reading) isn't enough. so, until it's proven otherwise, i guess i need to keep it conditional. and of course i'd still rather explore it in an artistic context.
so i'm getting a little caught up in the holiday spirit, although to be honest, i'm not sure if it's festive or consumerist, maybe a little of both. i'm also not sure exactly what the cause is. the fact that it actually feels like winter outside? as something familiar to hold on to? anyway, i strung up one of my strands of lights that i've owned since i was in amherst and have carried around with me everywhere i've lived since then but never opened. and there are a few gifts underneath the houseplant on the kitchen table (the only thing that vaguely resembles a tree in the apartment). hrm.
i suffer from this chronic fear that i'm going to miss out on something. it started at nmh. after study hall (8-10 school nights) we had half an hour before they locked us in our dorms. i felt that if i wasn't downstairs in the lounge during that half hour, that something would happen and i'd miss it. this became especially acute during my senior year, when i'd often sleep through study hall (years of sleep deprivation), and if i slept through that half hour i'd wake up 11 or 12 and feel completely lost. of course nothing ever happened during that half hour. or hardly ever.
when i was in california this feeling came back full force. and it was considerably less likely that i was going to miss out on anything then. i'm feeling it again now, and have periodically here in austin. on some level i guess it has something to do with being alone, in an empty room, and knowing that there is a world going on out there, but that i can't touch it.
at times i've felt as if the net brings me closer to that world. the first half of my year at umass, for example. but at other times, i sit in front of my computer that is connected to the world and feel completely removed. i've said that when direct neural connections to the net are available, i'm getting an implant. maybe i'll be more connected that way. i think this is why i'm so easily drawn into tv too. there's people in there. i can see them and hear them and almost touch them. when it's over though, things are as empty as before, or more so.
i guess i really am a lonely person at the core. art can take that away briefly, but i get distracted, fall into old patterns. i guess i just have to surround myself with cool people. (which brings me full circle today.) or at least find the right balance between isolation and companionship. if when you want to share, there's someone to share with, even the down times aren't empty.
all sounds reasonable, why did i preface it with a conditional? because i don't really know what motivates me. i haven't found anything that universally works. feeling a "need" to accomplish something for school or work often gets it done half-heartedly at the last minute (or later), but that's not true motivation. even enjoying the act of doing it (writing, creating, reading) isn't enough. so, until it's proven otherwise, i guess i need to keep it conditional. and of course i'd still rather explore it in an artistic context.
so i'm getting a little caught up in the holiday spirit, although to be honest, i'm not sure if it's festive or consumerist, maybe a little of both. i'm also not sure exactly what the cause is. the fact that it actually feels like winter outside? as something familiar to hold on to? anyway, i strung up one of my strands of lights that i've owned since i was in amherst and have carried around with me everywhere i've lived since then but never opened. and there are a few gifts underneath the houseplant on the kitchen table (the only thing that vaguely resembles a tree in the apartment). hrm.
i suffer from this chronic fear that i'm going to miss out on something. it started at nmh. after study hall (8-10 school nights) we had half an hour before they locked us in our dorms. i felt that if i wasn't downstairs in the lounge during that half hour, that something would happen and i'd miss it. this became especially acute during my senior year, when i'd often sleep through study hall (years of sleep deprivation), and if i slept through that half hour i'd wake up 11 or 12 and feel completely lost. of course nothing ever happened during that half hour. or hardly ever.
when i was in california this feeling came back full force. and it was considerably less likely that i was going to miss out on anything then. i'm feeling it again now, and have periodically here in austin. on some level i guess it has something to do with being alone, in an empty room, and knowing that there is a world going on out there, but that i can't touch it.
at times i've felt as if the net brings me closer to that world. the first half of my year at umass, for example. but at other times, i sit in front of my computer that is connected to the world and feel completely removed. i've said that when direct neural connections to the net are available, i'm getting an implant. maybe i'll be more connected that way. i think this is why i'm so easily drawn into tv too. there's people in there. i can see them and hear them and almost touch them. when it's over though, things are as empty as before, or more so.
i guess i really am a lonely person at the core. art can take that away briefly, but i get distracted, fall into old patterns. i guess i just have to surround myself with cool people. (which brings me full circle today.) or at least find the right balance between isolation and companionship. if when you want to share, there's someone to share with, even the down times aren't empty.