magicbeans. nothing if not awkward.

woke up early for class. got a call on my way out the door from my teacher who said she was too sick to teach. decided that since i was up i should eat breakfast. then ran into ian and jennifer (another one, this one's a sculpture major) from my class who hadn't gotten the message. we spent a while in carr haus (risd's coffee house, which i had never been in before this morning) talking about school and architecture and sculpture and performance and such. turns out i'm not the only one for whom wintersession is causing me to question my choice of major (if only in the smallest way); ian, who's a grad student in architecture is feeling the same way.

it's er!n's birthday today. i was actually able to get ahold of her on the phone to wish her a happy birthday.

spent most of today reading and napping. wish i could remember my nap dreams, as i feel they had to do with architecture and performance.

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the following being an adaptation of part of an email to sonali on the subject of crushes, and another to er!n:

tonight at dinner jen took the scrap of paper that i've been writing poems and other bits of text on and read it. it had the two poems i've written over the last few days and another bit that never became anything: "i dreamt about you last night / for the first time that i remember / i wanted to sit near you / without being too obvious". and she said "that's definitely about me." i said "that's not even true." and it's not, it wasn't the first time that i dreamt about her. but it was about her.

and so it's kinda become this running joke that my poetry is about her. when in actuality it is about her. she said "everyone writes poetry about me." one of the other boys who is interested in her has apparently done so as well. (strangely, the one who has my old last name, i think. one of two named matt, in any case. i wrote tonight "something about threes." twos as well, i guess.) i said "i wish someone would write poems about me. i don't think anyone has, that i know of, in a long time." not since allison, that i've read, and that's what, seven years ago?

tonight after dinner jen got into an argument with this guy ryan whom she had been somehow involved with briefly early in the fall. i don't know the details. no one who knows him seems to like him much. i don't know what the argument was about or what is currently between them. i found myself not wanting to know. wishing that i didn't even care. wishing that there was someone else i could occupy my thoughts with.

and yet. i have a feeling that we're going to be playing at this game for a while. i don't know how tongue-in-cheek her assertions that my poems are about her are, or how much she truly suspects they may be. i told her tonight "you have me all figured out." sarcastic, except that i was telling the truth.

life's all about hidden double meanings recently. truth in sarcasm. embedded ironies. seems that's the theme for wintersession. or the first half, anyway.