magicbeans. nothing if not awkward.

statics and strength of materials. maybe i'm jumping to conclusions, we've only had a little over an hour of the class so far, but i have the impression that it will be particularly boring. although i suspect easy. i hadn't thought so until just now, writing this, as i made a mental connection to the astronomy course that i took when i first went back to college. which was easy. and fun too i guess. so we'll see.

i got into my first choice history class. islamic architecture. or: architecture and the city in the pre-modern muslim world. i've heard that it's the hardest of the architectural history ii electives, but i think it will be interesting. and reminiscent of the islamic lit and culture class i took around about the same time as astronomy.

and monday afternoons this semester will be spent in the library. six hours behind the reference desk. it seemed to go a little faster than some of my shorter shifts in the past though. there was a fairly constant stream of people requesting items from the locked case collections, with questions, and with problems. and as long as they're not idiots, i enjoy helping them, and it breaks up the shift. spent a tedious hour and a half or so erasing pencil marks from the architecture of michelangelo. wrote some:

i've spent the day
with vague notions of
faerie tales in my head.

not that, as a theme
in my life, this is
anything new. but,

somehow this is different
it's almost as if i'm on
the verge of remembering

something that i had
forgotten a very, very
long time ago.

it's not art, but it's the first bit of creative writing i've attempted in a while that ended up longer than two sentences. although only barely. the underlying idea might make for a short story that i'll probably never get around to writing.

socially things haven't improved by any great measure since yesterday. i saw a handful of people at the met over the course of the day. neither of those people. spent the little bit of free time i had this evening alone at the computer. it occurred to me after dinner that i don't think i'd ever be able to just call people up to see what they were up to. and it's not just the fear of phones. or my inability to make plans. there's also a fear of imposing myself on people. maybe even a fear of imposing my socially maladjusted self on people. this particular fear being a symptom of that social maladjustion. more vicious cycles.

and speaking of fears, i've been suppressing it, but i'm terrified of my new design studio starting up tomorrow. and it's one of those fears that is just barreling on towards me (or perhaps i'm spiraling towards it) and there's nothing to do but let it happen. and although there's a definite sense of powerlessness tacked on to such a situation, in a way it's easier to deal with when you know there's nothing you can do. you can't procrastinate something that's simply going to happen. i'm curious if i could figure out a way to apply that feeling (sense of fatalism? but not without an optimistic tint) to my other fears.