magicbeans. nothing if not awkward.

so i think the whole thing with susie was really just in reaction to the situation with jen. i can't say with complete certainty, but it kinda felt that way tonight at the mixed media meeting. it's as if i'm back to square one. i'm not really all that comfortable with being alone right now, but i can't really picture myself being any more comfortable with anyone that i know. or even anyone i don't know, in a way. all my crushes have kinda faded, or, in the case of the only one that really amounted to anything, turned totally unrequited. and i really don't feel like i have any new prospects.

you'd think that somewhere like risd there would be any number of compatible people. but either i've set my standards too high, or i don't know where or how to find them, or maybe they just aren't really here. i was never even too sure about jen, and so far she's come the closest to whatever it is that i think i'm looking for.

lou's been talking about his big crush online. and it's all very high school. although he's in high school, so it's much more appropriate in his case. but, i find myself jealous of that feeling. i'm sure it's not as simple as it sounds, it never is, but there's some sort of purity to things when the future is still wide open. there's something about that unresolved state. it's not good, but i think it wins out over the knowledge that yr feelings are unrequited. although resolution does eventually help you move on.

elsewise: design studio. i don't think i've quite adjusted back into the role of architecture student yet. of course it's only been three days, and after quite a long time away, but it feels like i should be completely assimilated already. it might make up for feeling alone, redirect that otherwise mis-spent energy into my work, but i have the notion that it would leave me feeling empty. i can definitely understand why so many artists were/are alcoholics and drug addicts.

which is always a good note to go to sleep on.

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oh, i do have something a little more upbeat to mention. at lunch time today i decided that my hair needed some colour in it. it had been slightly greenish, bleached blond with winter blond roots for too long. i grabbed a couple of sam's old dyes while i was home. fire and turquoise. so it's mostly pinkish-red, some orange and yellow where my natural colour shows through. and what came out as slate blue-ish in half of my bangs and some of the back.

yay colour.