magicbeans. nothing if not awkward.

i had a dream this morning with george and his friend emily in it. i'm not sure either of them said anything. it was very cinematic. there was probably a soundtrack, something moody. wide angle shot, the characters are almost out of the frame. emily standing by a railing, looking out at the sea? somewhere scenic. it's overcast, but well-lit. slightly breezy. george is a few feet off, looking the other direction.

emily turns to go. closeup from the right, and behind her. you can only see a sliver of her face, ear, cheek, corner of the eye. cut to medium distance shot of george. he turns towards her, doesn't say anything. now from his point of view, watching her walking away. maybe he takes a step, stops.

then awareness of being me, fifteen, twenty feet further off. a little confused. not quite sure what has happened.

i wake up with the sense of confusion. george has never really talked about emily. i know he cares about her a great deal. i don't know if those feelings are any more than platonic.

later, i'm peeling an orange and am reminded of alex.s. eight years ago. i spend the rest of the night struggling with my fear of phones. wanting to call him, but never quite being able to.

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today's soundtrack: yo la tengo, and then nothing turned itself inside-out; a wolfrider's reflections: songs of elfquest; the gravel pit, the gravel pit manifesto; retsin, egg fusion; beck, midnight vultures.