magicbeans. nothing if not awkward.

dreamt that i was in my mom's house, but it was still the end of the semester and i was running around trying to get a million things done. molly had stopped by to visit but i was too busy to really spend any time with her. we were trying to come up with a time that we could hang out before the semester ended and she went home to california. she hugged me goodbye and we exchanged a very simple, chaste kiss. (that's how i thought of it when i woke up.)

thought some more about the whole unreality of everything. it seems (at the moment) that the last real thing i remember was walking to the supermarket when i was living in kent. i had just died my hair orange. it was getting long again, and kind of curly. the day was bright and windy, mid-spring. i wanted to write a poem that started "orange curls in my eyes" but could never come up with the rest of it.

i half keep expecting to blink and find myself crossing behind the bank towards the iga parking lot. sometime late morning or early afternoon. 1995.

after dinner (a box of pasta) i stopped by sonia's opening. i guess it was sort of a senior show a year early, since she'll be in rome next year. sarah.m was there. we haven't exchanged a singe word in a week and a half but it seems like it's been going on much longer. and really, things have been a little weird between us for the last month.

and i've realized that i'm sort of perpetuating the whole thing partly out of spite, and partly because i'm afraid of her reaction. she's smiled at me here and there, but our last few verbal exchanges have all been pretty cold. and the whole thing makes me nervous to be around her.

i want to write her a letter or something. maybe i could be more eloquent on paper. it almost seems like i should have been saving up words during this whole time of silence, that they'd just all pour out of me when i couldn't hold them in any longer. but i'm not sure if there really are a whole lot of words there. or the nervousness or the fear is choking them up.

i can't remember ever feeling this way around anyone else. maybe around allison at points in high school, but only briefly and for entirely different reasons.

although on the other end of the spectrum i guess i'm a bit nervous around melody too. she continues to fight against her own shyness in order to talk to me. talking is fine, but i'm afraid that she's going to be calling me over the summer and i won't know how to deal.

and stef continues to be friendly.