magicbeans. nothing if not awkward.

i got email from er!n the other night asking if i had copies of any old emails that she had sent me.

I'm not at all sure if this is going to be a big or small task / I guess that all depends on the fragments of me that remain

i still have every piece of email. and every reply. in part because i'm a pack rat. but also because she meant (and still means) a great deal to me. more than she realizes. and i've gotten the feeling that the reverse is true as well. we were both really significant occurrences in each other's lives.

i sent her a few random emails, with a message asking if she would like me to send all of them, or just the one's i felt were most poignant. she responded and said that she had kept all our emails too. but that hotmail had lost them.

and everything was gone. Just gone ......... and I felt like I had lost something so important .......... and it was ............ i was horrified and sad ........... And I wanted to scream and call you and tell you and ...... then I thought .... he'll think I'm crazy ....... positively crazy ...... holding on to all of that ........ as if they were each a living being

But in a way I always thought they were

when she called to wish me a happy birthday she told me to be careful what i wrote about in my journal and that if i was ever going to break stef's heart that i should at least do it in person. and although she tells me that i didn't break hers, and could never hold a grudge, and that things did work out okay, i know that i did hurt her. and i'll always be sorry.

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and a birthday package in the mail today from nikki. with the cute little bird-like creature that you see in today's pic. thank you it's really cute and i'll take it to italy and it will make me smile.

and later, after work, dinner at sabra's. and i was late, but there was still food and beer. and heated conversations about veganism and space colonization.