magicbeans. nothing if not awkward.

mail from stef about my boring weekends:

I am getting really pissed off (not in a mean way) at you and your crappy weekends, if you were going to go to Rome why aren't you experiencing every bit of it-- it drives me nuts to see you not going out because It makes me feel like you might as well be here with me and going out with me, because I would be with you and you would go, but my god bean savor ever minute of your time there.

and my reply:

i've never been much fun on the weekends. and really the distinction here is almost more of a theoretical one. we don't have italian on the weekends, but other than that there's not much difference. and if anything my weekends are a little more full because of my morning library hours. but when people go out to pubs or dancing or whatever i often feel like i should go, if for no other reason that i think that you would go.

also, email about more serious stuff. worries about the future, about how february and may will be weird because we are going to have to adjust to having each other around all over again. may in particular. it will be sort of like starting all over again, but it will be more permanent in a way this time. last summer there was always the knowledge that i was leaving for rome in september, may will be something entirely different. and also her worries about me working too hard, spending too much time in studio and not experiencing rome. and her worries that maybe i'm getting a little too dependent on her, or even worse an idealized notion of her, to get my through all of this stuff.

and again, my replies:

as for my seeming to be in studio working all the time. i guess that i am, and i'm not. it's not so much about risd guilt as it is about being able to work on things that i enjoy doing, just because i enjoy doing them. i think that the main reason that i came to rome was for the opportunity to work on interdisciplinary things. pet projects that i wouldn't have to chance to work on in the midst of an architecture schedule. and yes, some of it is risd guilt. or more accurately bean guilt, i really am such a slacker (and people argue with me all the time and tell me i'm not, but i am) and i really feel like being a slacker is such a waste of my potential. if i ever want to be a great architect, or artist, or musician, or whatever, and of course i do, i know that i'm going to need to apply myself more to whatever it is that i'm working on. and this is really my chance to try and do that too.

i also know that i should be taking advantage of the fact this is is rome. i could just as easily be taking a year or a semester off from school, and not paying nearly as much, and living in providence and working on my own work there. that thought has crossed my mind too. i know that i'm here and i need to go out and see all the amazing things and sketch and take pictures and take it all in, because that's a big part of this. it's easy to to be afraid of all that too. it's part of being introverted, afraid of new places and people. and yes, that's just another thing to overcome, and i promise (to you, but more importantly to myself) that i will work on it. and it's not like i never leave the cenci (sometimes i even feel as if i don't, so i'm sure it's easy to get that impression), even if i'm only going to the art supply store the walk takes me though amazing piazzas, past amazing fountains, i see ancient ruins and medieval buildings and cobblestone streets.

...

i don't think that i'm as dependent as i'm coming across, but i do understand how i could seem that way. when i sit down to write email (or settle into bed at night, or on other occasions where i'm likely to be a little more reflective) i can't help but think about you. and there's definitely nothing wrong with that. and i tend to elaborate on that a little bit. maybe too much, but i don't want it to be too little either. i really like to get regular reassurance, as protection against that sense of drifting maybe (although i tend to need it even in close proximity, a feature of being insecure, again understanding the cause doesn't make it go away). and that reassurance is a good thing. it's like getting flowers for no particular reason. or cute little telephone messages. and so i try to do that for you. maybe i'm just a little too wordy. a little too introspective.

really i'm doing pretty well here. (aside from being sick.) i'm not drowning in studio. and i'm not spending all my time pining away for you or building you up into some idealized impossible woman (although there's always going to be a little conflation of the real with the ideal at this distance, absence makes the heart grow fonder and all that). of course i miss you lots. and i do think about you when things are difficult or lonely because that's one of the reasons that we find people to be close to. because it's easier to get through things with the knowledge that someone loves you.

right?