magicbeans. nothing if not awkward.

i dreamt that kate.k wrote me a very long email. i think i have also been dreaming of the moon.

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i woke up early again. touched my operation scar and thought 'that must be where they cut us apart.' cried in the shower.

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10.30a: hi. i know i'm crazy for continuing to call and leave messages and i was just thinking 'i should write stef a real letter. wait the time that it takes to get there.' but then i thought about how attached i've become to the immediacy of email and cell phones and text messages. and i was thinking the other day, who's going to help me pick out a cell phone when i get back if it's not you? and i thought about the first ever message you sent to my phone: 'i love my millennium man with his new cell phone.' and i checked to see if it was still on my phone, and it wasn't, but some of your other early messages were. and i read them and started.. and was just completely overwhelmed and had to call you. even though it's four-thirty in the morning there. and i really wish that i could let this be, let go of this, at least for now, at least until may. and maybe yell at you then or throw fruit at your windows or.. (i have no idea what i'm talking about.) but i just keep coming back to this. and i think that i'm going to keep doing so, at least for a while.

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i accidentally drew fifty-one dots today. but i only took fifty photos. i can pinpoint where my confusion came into it though. i had drawn a number of dots along a street, next to a series of flower petals that were in various states of drying up. when started drawing the street in my sketchbook, a new bmw with one of those detachable, individual police lights on top pulled down the street and stopped just in front of me. a man in a suit got out and adjusted his gun. i thought he was going to harass me about my dots, but he went and stood in a nearby doorway instead. i realized that the series of dots along the street where like the series of circles that the police would draw around shell casings dropped as a suspect fired a number of shots while running down the street. given this synchronicity i decided to draw the car with the police light in my drawing, even though i've mostly been leaving cars out.

at this point the man came over to me and asked me what i was doing. (in italian, of course.) i told him that i was an art and architecture student and this was an art project. he walked away. a few minutes later he came back and looked at my drawing. 'why are you drawing the car?' he asked. he looked through my sketchbook and saw that there were a few other drawings with cars, but that it was mostly about architecture. he walked back over to the doorway, then turned and told me not to draw in the license plate number of his car.

somewhere in the course of this i lost track of a dot.