magicbeans. nothing if not awkward.

it was almost too hard to even get myself into the shower this morning. realized later that i haven't had any desire to listen to music for about a week. i haven't been eating. i'm depressed. in a way that i thought i was done with years ago. and it's not all about stef. there's the lack of a real job. there's the new apartment where i still don't feel at home. there's friends leaving providence.

but this is definitely the icing, to mix a metaphor.

and everything reminds me of her. i forget and want to call her. i remember. i want to try to convince her again. realize i can't. start crying.

i just want to go home.

more crying.

---

rationally, i know i have to let go. rationally, i know i'll meet someone else. but none of this is particularly rational.