magicbeans. nothing if not awkward.

i know that there's all sorts of people out there that love me and want me to be happy. and it's so nice to talk to them. but in the back of my mind there's just this constantly running train of thought, maybe i could convince her to come back, to try a little harder. and when i'm actually able to quiet that for a little while, something will remind me of her, and i'll think how sweet, and then i'll remember that we're not together anymore, and it's like breaking up again and again.

also still toying with the idea of leaving town for a while. i don't know if that's necessarily healthy, but i just feel like i don't want to be here right now, and maybe getting away would help me to center myself. of course maybe it would only serve to bury all this so that when i came back in august or september it would all flood back out to the surface.

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i wrote the above this morning, after talking with er!n on the phone. (many warm, fuzzy wishes of good health to her right now.) i spent the majority of the afternoon in denial. half expecting stef to call me and for everything to be okay.

and feeling more and more physically ill on top of that.

chris.k stopped by about six. laura called a bit later and we went out to get some food. i've been doing my best to force myself to eat, but it's been tough.

after dinner laura and i commiserated about the similarities of our broken relationships. in both our cases there's been difficulties since the beginning. neither of us was sure it would survive the year in rome. we both see great potential, but when the other person can't or won't try to work things out, you can't force them. and it's hard to accept that. because here is this wonderful person who you're head over heels in love with and you can't imagine yourself with anyone else.