magicbeans. nothing if not awkward.

12.15a i don't know how i can say to myself 'i'm not giving up on you. i'm not giving up on us.' when i'm letting these two months pass, knowing that you aren't (whether out of stubbornness or apathy or worse) going to make any attempt to reach out to me. and whether you've replaced me or not, it all points to the fact that i never really meant all that much to you, and that when things just felt too strange to possibly be real, when i asked 'how did we ever end up together?', it was because things weren't real. fuck you. fuck you, fuck you, fuck you.

12.25a i constantly fantasize about her calling me, emailing me, text messaging me. or about finding myself in situations where i could rationalize calling her. on my way into new york the other day i had worked up a scenario in which i ran into amy.e randomly on the street and the two of us got caught in the crossfire of a drive-by shooting. and of course things were going to be okay, but i figured i should call stef to tell her what was going on.

my sub-conscious seems to be saying: 'if i can't be with her, at the very least i want to be like her.' the desire to buy a pack of cigarettes, to start smoking. the desire to go out and drink. to get a tan. etc.