magicbeans. nothing if not awkward.

rainy. which is soothing too. rain makes me happy. or happier, anyway. everything's always got to be conditional with me. ('it is a bit dark and cold.') but, that's my right, i just sometimes get a little self-conscious about how much i complain; even people who know me really well tell me that they think i'm unhappy all the time.

so i take it all back. rain makes me happy.

okay.

can i go back to complaining now?

i'm pretty well convinced, that if we could figure out the logistical side of things, the two thousand miles, that after some time apart we would both want to be together again. if i just give her this time to do her own thing, to think about me or forget about me or miss me or drown the thoughts of me in sleep and work and tv and beer. it would be like coming back from rome. it would be like starting a new school year together. if we could overcome the logistics: we have no real reason to be in the same town, i have nowhere else to live if we are not cohabiting. but that's the next problem.

maybe it's just hopeful thinking. or self-delusion. or a coping mechanism. it's just that we've been through this before and every time when we find ourself thrown back together we've both had the same thought: never leave my side again.

of course it would easier knowing i had something to go back to after doing my own thing for however long it takes. i've got a possible course mapped out through the first week of march and maybe two months beyond that. but every little thing reminds me of her. in the supermarket last night i found myself face-to-face with her favourite winter beer, her brand of bottled water. this morning, i'm not even sure what set it off, but i found myself briefly in magnolia cafe with her. before she left for work this afternoon jeanette handed my a photo cd with pictures from the wedding. 'there's one that you're in,' she told me. stef's in quite a few, looking beautiful in her blond hair and yellow sweater.

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it's mid-afternoon. i've been rollercoastering back and forth for at least the last half hour or so: forgetting and remembering, forgetting and remembering. i got distracted just now, while writing, and it happened again.

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a few minutes ago, from out of nowhere, the 'dork bench' came into my mind. two and a half years ago, stef said to me: 'if i'm ever being a dork, like not realizing how much i want to be with you, just tell me.' towards the end of my time in rome i did tell her just that, but it didn't really do anything to overcome her stubbornness.

i'm sure we've talked about it again since then. at the very least, on one of those sunday nights at xo. we should have decided upon some magic word, something that would transport her back to the frame of mind she was in when asking me to make sure that she kept that frame of mind. i think that during the good bits there's a little piece of her that knows she's going to get scared and freak out again, and tries to presage a way out. but it hasn't really worked that way yet.

the phrase 'like lightning, like stars' is the closest to a magic word we've got. it goes back to our very first time at xo. she wrote it on our bench (a different bench) on my birthday. i used it on the card with the flowers i sent to her two weeks ago. i whispered it at midnight (central time), as she rolled into the new year. i hope that it sits in her head, germinates.

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when i was in new york last weekend i called er!n on the off-chance that she might be there, she's been living upstate but is returning to cooper union for the spring semester. she wasn't, but we talked and she said she'd probably be coming to connecticut in the near-ish future and if i was going to be sticking around for a bit we should hang out. after a lot of voicemail tag we finally coordinated enough to make that happen tonight. she stopped by after spending the afternoon in torrington with her brother, and we drove up to get sushi in great barrington.

she's had a very difficult couple of years, but it seems like things are really beginning to even out for her. she's going back to school (as i mentioned), and she's engaged. 'aren't you going to give me the lecture about getting engaged after only three and a half months? everyone else has.'

'that's something i won't do. i don't have any problem with it. i'm a hopeless romantic.'

it was nice to see her. i think it had been about a year and a half. and i really hope things continue to look up for her.