magicbeans. nothing if not awkward.

we (er!n, patrick, chris, a bunch of er!n's cooper union friends, and me) were meeting at veg-city for brunch for er!n's birthday. it took me about 45 minutes to get there from williamsburg. which included the walk six blocks from paolo and reid's to the subway, and the walk three blocks from the subway to veg-city after getting off at the wrong stop. then i sat there for half an hour drinking coffee before anyone else showed up. but that's fine. the coffee was good. i was comfortable. i drew on the placemat.

after brunch, a silly affair, it was back on the L and out to brooklyn to go over the details of moving into my new place. and then back into manhattan, and a rush to grand central in order to catch the metro-north train out of the city.

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on the train:

i wish that i could think of something to send her that would be sweet, but not pushy. something to say 'i'm thinking of you,' without saying 'i'm obsessing about you.' but i feel like any contact from me at this point would only provoke an oppositional response in her. and the truth is that anything i say or send to her would be pushy, insofar as i would be doing it with the intention of effecting an eventual reconciliation between us. and that while i am taking steps towards moving on with my life, towards getting my own shit together, i am still obsessing over her. i am not spending every moment pining away, but even in absentia she continues to be a large part of my daily existence.

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george picked me up a the train station. we drove up to great barrington and ate. back to my mom's where we watched the iowa caucus results and trash-talked the major candidates.